15 October 2010

I haven't posted in a while

When I was little, I used to make "potions."  These typically contained the strangest mixture of bathroom supplies and other liquids from our refrigerator, including, but not limited to: shampoo, water, toothpaste, and toilet paper.  I then froze my "potion," hoping it would one day evolve into some sort of... sludge monster... or something.  My mom usually disposed of them before they were able to grow any limbs or provide magical powers to me or anyone else.

Today, I discovered the secret potion for feeling really, really tired and out of it.

First, get a terrible night's sleep.  The best way to do this is to go to bed too late, then spend the entire night switching between laying on your stomach, then your side, then your back, then your other side, and so forth.  It helps if you have a runny nose that prevents you from laying face down for more than thirty seconds and have never been able to sleep comfortably on your back or side.

Second, get up at 6:00am and do some cardiovascular exercise.  It helps if this includes muscle toning exercises, as well.  Make sure you don't take any naps afterwards.

Third, just be sick in general.  Since this is often hard to plan ahead of time, you may need to wait for this ingredient to occur naturally and then proceed by adding the other ingredients.  You could also take up visiting hospitals and spending a lot of time around the most contagious patients, or you could become an elementary school teacher.

Fourth, don't eat lunch; instead of lunch, eat a doughnut or other high-sugar substance and finish it off with a Vanilla Coke or other high-sugar soda.  If you're feeling extra adventurous, eat two donuts and a chocolate truffle.  If you're feeling extra adventurous, I have a couple of websites that might give you some good ideas.

You don't have to stick yourself in a freezer or anything (although that might help if you stay in there long enough), but if you mix the four ingredients together, you'll come out feeling pretty terrible.  If you're lucky, you'll have an attractive fiancée nearby who is willing to provide her lap as a pillow while you attempt to recover in the afternoon.  If not, the best idea is probably to pull an all-nighter watching the extended editions of Lord of the Rings or the entire Harry Potter series until you pass out.  I hear that Ny-Quil can speed along that process, as well.

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