31 October 2010

Flippin' Sweet!

Dria and I were Napoleon Dynamite and Deb for Halloween.  After scouring the racks at DI, we found everything we needed--goofy t-shirts, ridiculous yellow pants that look like they're from the 80s, a teal fanny pack--that is, everything but two of the most crucial elements to my costume: Napoleon's glasses and his moon boots.

The glasses brought us some woe, but we finally found the perfect pair at our local Walgreen's--no sweat.  No, it was the boots that gave us, and by "us" I mean "me," the real grief.

Moon boots are rare these days (believe it or not, clothing that was popular in the eighties isn't very easy to come by for some reason), so we had to improvise.  All I had was a pair of giant skater shoes that I seem to think are normal, some old brown sneakers that have been falling apart for over a year, and various worn-out or faded dress shoes.  (Apparently, I need to pay a visit to the mall... or at least get some shoe polish.)  My roommate had some boots, but they were way too not dorky. Finally, I remembered that I had some snow boots at my parents' house that would probably work perfectly for my intended purpose.

For those of you reading this at home, it has been about a month since I started writing this blog post. My procrastination has cost me the bright memory of my ridiculous experience that would have made all the difference in this blog post.  CURSE YOU, CRUEL LACK OF EFFORT!!!

Anyway, we decided to drive over to my parents' house to get the boots.  They were in the garage, buried behind a bunch of camping gear and under some moldy backpacks.  If that didn't tip me off that something might be wrong with the boots, the slime all over the inside of the right boot definitely did.  I managed to fish it out with my fingertips and held it at arm's length as I brought it out to the car.  I figured I'd have time to clean it up in the week or so before Halloween.

Fast forward a week or so, and, of course, I woke up with a strange, nagging feeling, which I shrugged off because I had slept in and was late for school.  Finally, the time came for me to change into my costume for a Halloween party Dria and I were attending.  That was when I remembered the boot.  The slime-covered, disturbingly sweet-smelling snow boot that I had left fermenting in my closet.

Being the brilliant, resourceful and quick-thinking man that I am, I decided to just wipe the gunk off with a wet rag.  It's not like a boot that had been sitting around for who knows how long would have absorbed the grease enough that a simple wipe-off wouldn't do it, right?  Well, no.  Wrong.  WAY wrong.  Because the moment I started wiping, a white foam began to... uh... foam... out of the boot, like rabies out of a dog's mouth.

Turns out the sludge on my boot was actually soap!

Which led me to my next BRILLIANT deduction: what do you do with soap?  Take a shower!  I was just about to take a shower anyway, so why not just bring the boot in with me and rinse it out?  A foolproof plan, if I had ever heard of one.

Of course, wherever the soap came from was obviously a full bottle of something, so no amount of wringing and squeezing and rinsing could get the soap out completely.  I wrestled with it for about twenty minutes before giving up and just taking a shower like normal.

So here I was, a man without an essential element to his costume.  I had two choices, really: I could wear the slimy boot, which was now also soaking wet (and this is Utah weather, we're talking about, which is not exactly tropical!), or I could go to the party looking like a doofus.  Well, I guess I would look like a doofus either way, but at least with the boots I would be a famous doofus.

I finally decided to be a man, and I stuffed my foot into the swamp that the inside of my boot had become.  I instantly knew that there was no turning back, because my pant leg was soaked around the ankle, and I would probably have to take another shower after I took the boot off anyway.  It was disgusting!

But at least Dria and I had the best couple costume at the party! :)

15 October 2010

I haven't posted in a while

When I was little, I used to make "potions."  These typically contained the strangest mixture of bathroom supplies and other liquids from our refrigerator, including, but not limited to: shampoo, water, toothpaste, and toilet paper.  I then froze my "potion," hoping it would one day evolve into some sort of... sludge monster... or something.  My mom usually disposed of them before they were able to grow any limbs or provide magical powers to me or anyone else.

Today, I discovered the secret potion for feeling really, really tired and out of it.

First, get a terrible night's sleep.  The best way to do this is to go to bed too late, then spend the entire night switching between laying on your stomach, then your side, then your back, then your other side, and so forth.  It helps if you have a runny nose that prevents you from laying face down for more than thirty seconds and have never been able to sleep comfortably on your back or side.

Second, get up at 6:00am and do some cardiovascular exercise.  It helps if this includes muscle toning exercises, as well.  Make sure you don't take any naps afterwards.

Third, just be sick in general.  Since this is often hard to plan ahead of time, you may need to wait for this ingredient to occur naturally and then proceed by adding the other ingredients.  You could also take up visiting hospitals and spending a lot of time around the most contagious patients, or you could become an elementary school teacher.

Fourth, don't eat lunch; instead of lunch, eat a doughnut or other high-sugar substance and finish it off with a Vanilla Coke or other high-sugar soda.  If you're feeling extra adventurous, eat two donuts and a chocolate truffle.  If you're feeling extra adventurous, I have a couple of websites that might give you some good ideas.

You don't have to stick yourself in a freezer or anything (although that might help if you stay in there long enough), but if you mix the four ingredients together, you'll come out feeling pretty terrible.  If you're lucky, you'll have an attractive fiancée nearby who is willing to provide her lap as a pillow while you attempt to recover in the afternoon.  If not, the best idea is probably to pull an all-nighter watching the extended editions of Lord of the Rings or the entire Harry Potter series until you pass out.  I hear that Ny-Quil can speed along that process, as well.

01 October 2010

I am Generally excited for this weekend!

Ladies and gentlemen! I am in anticipation for one of the best weekends of the year! There are several reasons that this weekend, and not the previous weekend, is one of the best weekends of the year. (Obviously, a couple of weekends ago was the ACTUAL best weekend of the year so far.) Here are the reasons, colon:
  1. General Conference is amazing: prophets, revelators, and seers speaking to the whole world about things that are really important to God and to us. Plus, you get to watch it from home, which makes it much more comfortable than regular church. 
  2. Where am I watching General Conference?: at my fiancée's family's house, which is awesome and has a huge screen TV. Apostles in HD. YEAH!!! 
  3. We will be building a tent and eating dinosaur sandwiches, as well as other awesome fun things like music and maybe a movie or something. 
  4. Did I mention that I will be spending Saturday at my fiancée's house? Call me Lovesick, but I just love every minute with my sweetheart. 

So life is good. Also, check this out:


One of the greatest music video's I've ever seen. :)